Tom Osborne Stays On Indefinitely As Clint Eastwood

For A Few Dollars More

Interim UNL Athletic Director, Tom Osborne, will remain indefinitely in his post and will drawl like Clint Eastwood for as long as the University needs him. “Tom will serve as a constant reminder that we used to be really good at football, and that it is essential that we become really good at football again,” said UNL Vice Chancellor, Philthy Lucre.

Look for the Omaha World-Herald to devote half of Sunday’s edition to Tom coverage: Glossy photos of Tom in deep contemplation, Tom pondering the meaning of “excellence,” Tom grappling with complex decisions, like whether to go for one or two. Portraits of Tom and his mentors, including Aristotle, Julius Caesar, Jesus Christ, Abraham Lincoln, and Bob Devaney.

“Tom must stay until the Cornhuskers are restored to glory,” said a World-Herald publishing insider, who wished to remain anonymous because he feels like a rat on a sinking ship. “If the Cornhuskers don’t come back, then we’ll have to compete with real newspapers whose reporters cover things that matter.”