When the going get’s rough, the tough get rougher vehicles.
Mayor Jim Suttle’s office today announced that the mayor is turning over the keys to his Dodge Durango hybrid and will begin driving an armored M1 Abrams battle tank, care of the United States government. The vehicle change comes after public outcry over the mayor’s lease of the Dodge Durango that carried an interest rate of a whopping 24 percent – three times greater than the lease of his predecessor Mike Fahey’s vehicle.
His new armored vehicle promises to leave an unprecedented carbon footprint in its wake, from all the hot air released trying to defend its purchase.
Omahans first became concerned when a local car dealership gave Suttle the “Fannie Mae treatment” on the lease of the Durango, which is supposedly fuel efficient.
“A fourth grader with no credit history and no bank account could get a better interest rate to purchase a Schwinn bicycle,” said one local bank official.
Suttle’s Durango hybrid made 19 miles-per-gallon during highway driving. His new tank, which has an operational range of 289 miles and weighs 67 short tons, makes 2.4 miles-per-gallon and tends to crack highways. It has a top speed of 42 miles-per-hour for road driving, 30 miles-per-hour for off-road driving, and comes with a interest rate of 39 percent. “Higher is better, right?” asked Suttle. His staff later apologized and issued a retraction.
One official from the Mayor’s Office says the new tank has a practical application. “We felt Mayor Suttle needs extra protection when he raises taxes,” said the official. “And with this interest rate, you can be sure they’re going up.”
Officials wouldn’t comment on the armaments that will outfit Suttle’s tank. They did say that Suttle has already purchased appropriate headgear from former presidential candidate Michael Dukakis.
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