Midtown Neuters Animal House

October 21, 2009

It seems the lovely ladies of UNO’s Chi Omega sorority won’t be occupying the Havens-Page House at 101 North 39th Street anytime soon. At least that’s the opinion of Omaha’s City Council, which voted unanimously to deny a special permit to the sorority.
Whew! How perilously close we came to irreparably damaging the [...]

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Husker Brain Damage

October 3, 2009

Brain damage is not just for the pros. Last week, Florida’s Tim Tebow got knocked out cold with a Grade III concussion. At least the pros are well-paid for flirting with permanent brain damage. Okay, dementia explains what happens when you play football. Now we need a study to look into spectator brain damage, as in what makes 70,000 people dress up in fire engine red, drive 100 miles, and gather in a stadium to watch out-sized primates butt heads over an inflated leather pouch.

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Warren Buffett Changes His Tune

September 20, 2009

In the midst of the worst recession since the Great Depression, the financial community is watching Warren Buffett’s latest moves, anxious for indications that the Wizard of Omaha believes a recovery is underway.
Unfortunately, Buffett is cutting back on buying stocks and thinking about purchasing all of Wall Street, instead, because he doesn’t like the [...]

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Find The N!

September 1, 2009

“The newspaper is the natural enemy of the book, as the whore is of the decent woman.” –The Goncourt Brothers

The local paper appears to have given up on getting anybody to actually read its dead-tree edition and instead is turning its pages into a daily Where’s Waldo hunt for purblind, demented seniors.
Commencing Monday [...]

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Suttle Pardons Thunder Collins

August 30, 2009

It was a stormy Monday for Thunder Collins last week, but the former Nebraska running back can stop picking out drapes for his jail cell, because he won’t be there much longer. Omaha Mayor Jim Suttle pardoned Collins on Thursday, probably the first time an Omaha mayor has pardoned a hardened criminal since Mayor [...]

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O! Now With Grass And Weed

August 26, 2009

Mayor Jim Suttle and his budget heart surgeons and rocket scientists have entertained a number of creative cutbacks designed to balance the city’s budget. Proposals for closing Dodge Street and using mall cops instead of Omaha Police have so far gone the way of the entertainment tax debacle, so the Mayor’s budget wizards have reverted [...]

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Is Ben Nelson A Zombie?

August 24, 2009

New York Times columnist Paul Krugman stopped just short of calling Nebraska Republi-crat and Demo-publican Senator Ben Nelson a zombie in an op-ed published in today’s New York Times:

Call me naïve, but I actually hoped that the failure of Reaganism in practice would kill it. It turns out, however, to be a zombie doctrine: even [...]

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Weed Killer In Your Water Glass

August 23, 2009

An article in Sunday’s New York Times warns of elevated levels of atrazine in the drinking water, especially in the Mid-Heartland.
But atrazine often washes into water supplies and has become among the most common contaminants in American reservoirs and other sources of drinking water.
Now, new research suggests that atrazine may be dangerous at lower [...]

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Ak-Sar-Ben Embraces Diversity

August 18, 2009

It’s that time of year: The annual Ak-Sar-Ben Coronation Ball, and this year’s Royal Court is bound and determined to dispel those hoary accusations that Ak-Sar-Ben is “Rich White People” spelled backwards. The 2009 Women’s Ball Committee has let it be known that it’s in the market to purchase one or more women of color [...]

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Carter Lake Proposes Three Way Trade

August 13, 2009

Weird-Harold Investigative Exclusive!
Spurned by a prominent Elkhorn businessman’s recent offer to buy back his city from Mayor Jim Suttle and the City of Omaha, Carter Lake officials Tuesday proposed a three-way trade that could solve all three cities’ problems.
The details of the proposed three-way barter are a bit murky, so read slowly and carefully, as [...]

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