The National Park Service is cracking down on raucous, lewd, inappropriate, and Mardis-Gras-bead-type behaviors on the Niobrara River.
According to the U.S. Department of the Interior Superintendent’s Compendium:
Mardi Gras-style bead necklaces are defined as necklaces that consist of multi-colored beads made from a variety of materials including, but not limited to, plastic, aluminum or similar material, regardless of length or size of the necklace.
Determination: Increased inappropriate behavior related to Mardi Gras-style beads has resulted in numerous complaints of nudity, obscene language and the unwanted solicitation of female visitors. The use of Mardi Gras-style beads or similar paraphernalia for solicitation is an issue that has been brought forth through the General Management Plan and public complaint.
The Park Service has determined that other behaviors and paraphernalia are similarly inappropriate and therefore ban the following:
- Riding crops;
- Nipple cuffs;
- Personal lubrication of any kind;
- Gerbils;
- Lifting of the shirt (female);
- Pulling down of pants (male);
- Mere existence (transgender);
- Use of the phrase “wise Latina woman” (except when referring to Hispanic meat-packing employees or when discussing Republican talking points);
- Using the words “Iowa” and “gay marriage” in the same sentence.
Floating meth labs may not be permanently docked in any single location. Automatic weapons must be concealed at all times so as not to alarm other boaters and to maintain the element of surprise in the event use of the weapon becomes necessary to defend against the unauthorized display of Mardi Gras-style beads.
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Never get out of the boat!
My last “cruise” on the Niobrara left me feeling like Martin Sheen floating down the river in Apocalypse Now. All the dazed looking folks on the bank and islands…scared the beejeebee’s out of me. And they were the sober ones. I won’t go back.