Mid-Heartland Stimulus Package Includes Real Pork

Our porcine beat reporter, Arch Kearney, conducted an exclusive WeirdHarold.com review of the stimulus package legislation being finalized by Congress and turned up the following “earmarks” which Mid-Heartland Congressional delegates have inserted into the bill.

Congressman Lee Terry

• $1.3 million – Item: Funding for grass roots campaign to kill funding for things Congressman Terry doesn’t like.
• $5.3 million – Item: Creation of Terry Watanabe Center for Card Game Risk Assessment Research.
• $1.7 million – Item: Purchase of Carter Lake, Iowa.

Senator Mike Johanns

• $1.2 million – Item: Health Care supplement for federal elected officials who were formerly governors in the event they need financial support for designated surgical procedures involving exploratory surgery of their lungs during the first three months of calendar year 2009.
• $3.2 million – Item: Study of viability of creating Turf Toe Research Institute at University of Nebraska Lincoln.

Senator Ben Nelson

• $3.4 million – Item: Pork. Actual pork. Purpose unclear.
• $2.2 million – Item: Research grant to University of Nebraska Medical Center to find a less embarrassing name for “erectile dysfunction.”
• $1.2 million – Item: Creation of Ben Nelson Center for Saving Face after blowing opportunity to expand STRATCOM mission and facilities.

Congressman Jeff Fortenberry

• $570,000 – Item: Longer office door nameplates for elected officials with more than nine letters in their names.
• $2.5 million – Item: Funding to study the viability of creating nuclear weapons system to deter Omaha ‘evil empire-style’ expansion and annexation into freedom-loving 1st Congressional District.