Husker Brain Damage

Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers. –Merle Kessler

Never mind! After Texas Tech loss, the Big Red is back gunning for number 1 in the Big 12 North-by-northwest. Bo is quietly looking for a job selling ladies shoes at J.C. Penney.

Missouri in the rain! 27 points! 0 concussions! Bo for Congress! Rally Puts Nebraska in North Driver’s Seat, but Malcom Gladwell compares football to dogfighting in the New Yorker.

Former NFL players are 19 times more likely to suffer from dementia and other cognitive defects. So says a new study commissioned by the National Football League and just released from the University of Michigan. Congress plans to hold hearings “on the lasting impact of head injuries suffered by National Football League (NFL) players.”

Head trauma is not just for the pros. Last week, Florida’s Tim Tebow got knocked out cold with a Grade III concussion. At least the pros are well-paid for flirting with permanent brain damage.

Okay, dementia explains what happens when you play football. Now we need a study to look into spectator brain damage, as in what makes 70,000 people dress up in fire engine red, drive 100 miles, and gather in a stadium to watch out-sized primates butt heads over an inflated leather pouch.

“Oh, hey, did you see that hit? That looked like a coup contrecoup injury!” Not as good as a spinal cord injury, but the Huskers are coming back! “Go Big Blood! I mean, Red!”

“I get really excited when they carry opposing players off the field on stretchers,” said 80-year-old Daisy Bickle of McCook, recently featured on the front page of the Omaha World-Herald for being a loyal veteran of 297 of the 300 sold-out performances at Memorial Stadium. “I get all warm inside thinking about how I’ve personally witnessed several dozen cases of live head trauma. Bring back the glory days! We need more criminals on offense. You look back at those championship teams, they all had at least one ruthless felon who didn’t mind a little assault and battery mixed in with his sportsmanship. Oh, look at that tackle! I know a skull fracture when I see one!”

Tom Barfthroat, one of 40 full-time reporters assigned to cover Cornhusker football for the Omaha World-Herald, said that Nebraskans love Cornhusker Football because the Big Red is a symbol of excellence.

“Here in Nebraska we have other symbols of excellence,” said Barfthroat, “like Warren Buffett or Chimney Rock, for instance, but– Well, Buffett’s a problem. If we cover him, we have to compete with real, quality journalism from the likes of the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal. The Huskers haven’t beaten a ranked team in years, which means that you can’t read about their peculiar brand of “excellence” anywhere but in the pages of your Omaha World-Herald. Nobody covers Cornhusker Football like the Omaha World-Herald, because nobody else cares. Ain’t it grand? We have a vertical monopoly on mediocrity! God help us if they start winning again. SI.com will put us out of business!”

As for Chimney Rock, maybe if we built a stadium around it and sold season tickets to fans who want to watch healthy young physical specimens bang their heads against it. That might catch on.

This week we’ll find out who gets carried off the field when Nebraska plays Missouri, and we’ll get our first indications about whether the Huskers will dominate the Big 12 North-by-Northwest. The suspense is unbearable! Will the Huskers go to the PapaJohns.com Bowl, or the Lysol Toilet Bowl? We’ll also find out if the Nebraska legislature will pass a resolution making “Pelini” the official state pasta, or whether Bo will be carried across the state line and given a Greyhound Bus ticket to wherever they sent Frank Solich and Bill Callahan.

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