From the category archives:

Religion

New Archbishop Orders Carbon Dating on Curtiss

July 1, 2009

Soon Catholics in the Archdiocese of Omaha will know the true origin of their retiring Archbishop.
Inspired by Pope Benedict XVI’s recent exhumation of the remains of the Apostle Paul, newly appointed Omaha Archbishop George J. Lucas has ordered his predecessor, Archbishop Elden Curtiss, to undergo a similar battery of carbon dating tests to determine if [...]

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Archbishop Curtiss Declares Self Infallible

June 5, 2009

“The child of Julie Cornell and Bill Randby will be named Nielsen if it is a boy and Arbitron if it is a girl. As for the coming of the AntiChrist, “Keep an eye on that Rainbow Rowell,” Curtiss said.

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Archbishop Elden Curtiss Sends 80 Year Old Mother Of Eleven To Hell In A Handbasket

June 4, 2009

The Archbishop told several local Catholics who had dared to question his judgment in the local paper that they should have come to him first, so that he could handle the matter privately, by quietly reassigning them to another diocese.

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Pope Calls West ‘Desert of Godlessness,’ But Please Send More Gold

April 12, 2009

During Good Friday Meditations the Pope used the occasion to attack Western secularism, saying that certain unnamed societies risked “drifting into a desert of godlessness.” But the Pope stressed that he still would like the West to keep sending solid gold everyday ware, which the Vatican enjoys immensely.
“It’s true,” said a Vatican spokesman, “that [...]

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