From the category archives:

Mid-Heartland

Thank God It’s Over!

December 31, 2009

The year was less than zero. Heck, the entire decade was a big zero. We owe more money, our houses are worth less, we don’t open the retirement account statements any more because the anemic balances are too painful to see. Goldman Sachs (Scrooge and vampire squid) has drained all of the cash.
Supposedly Omaha [...]

Read the full article →

Don’t Drink The Water

December 17, 2009

Omaha’s water used to taste like chlorine, but some years ago the Metropolitan Utilities District switched to using chloramines as a disinfectant, instead of just draining water from local swimming pools closed by our mayor to solve the city’s budget crisis.
Now both the New York Times and the Environmental Working Group have given Omaha’s tap [...]

Read the full article →

Carter Lake Proposes Three Way Trade

August 13, 2009

Weird-Harold Investigative Exclusive!
Spurned by a prominent Elkhorn businessman’s recent offer to buy back his city from Mayor Jim Suttle and the City of Omaha, Carter Lake officials Tuesday proposed a three-way trade that could solve all three cities’ problems.
The details of the proposed three-way barter are a bit murky, so read slowly and carefully, as [...]

Read the full article →

Is Jacko Like Butter?

July 13, 2009

The people of Iowa have spoken: No Michael Jackson sculpture. A butter cow is a sacred thing. It has wholesome connotations, like coronary artery disease, or the sex scene in Last Tango In Paris. But Michael Jackson? Sculpted in butter? In Iowa? That’s just too decadent.
In Hollywood, you’ve made it when they put your star [...]

Read the full article →

New Niobrara River Rules Keep Mid-Heartland G-Rated

June 8, 2009

Floating meth labs may not be permanently docked in any single location. Automatic weapons must be concealed at all times so as not to alarm other boaters and to maintain the element of surprise in the event use of the weapon becomes necessary to defend against the unauthorized display of Mardi Gras-style beads.

Read the full article →

Omaha’s WallStreet Tower Slims Down

May 29, 2009

Developers denied rumors that prospective tenants had made down payments with food stamps and credit card balance transfers. “We are still in love with the name,” said one of the developers. “Wall Street is extremely popular with the American public right now.”

Read the full article →

Nebraska Officials Rethink `This Whole Internet Thing’

May 26, 2009

“Let me get this straight,” said Nebraska Governor Dave Heineman, his jowls trembling at the thought, “does this mean that a Muslim could get on the Internet in, say, Iran and vote for the meadowlark plate?”

Read the full article →

Missing Link Found In Omaha?

May 20, 2009

University of Nebraska paleontologists told reporters earlier today that the fossil “bridges the evolutionary gap between higher primates such as monkeys, apes, and humans and their more distant relatives such as Omaha city council members, Nebraska state senators, lawyers, and Wall Street investment bankers.

Read the full article →

Mid-Heartland Stimulus Package Includes Real Pork

April 14, 2009

Our porcine beat reporter, Arch Kearney, conducted an exclusive WeirdHarold.com review of the stimulus package legislation being finalized by Congress and turned up the following “earmarks” which Mid-Heartland Congressional delegates have inserted into the bill.

Read the full article →

What Is The Mid-Heartland?

April 3, 2009

For decades, one major local daily newspaper called the region, “the Midlands.” Highly paid consultants added to the confusion by telling WOWT, Channel 6, that their viewing area was, “The Heartland,” while insisting that KETV, Channel 7, refer to the same area as “The NewsPlex.”

Read the full article →

← Previous Entries