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Linus Caldwell

Plow It Again, Jim!

February 9, 2010

More snow. More potholes. More obstacles and giant holes in Jim Suttle’s tenure as Omaha’s mayor. Suttle isn’t taking this one lying down. “We need a garbage fee,” said the mayor late last week, apparently because he was tired of taking questions from irate citizens with thousands of dollars in car repair bills caused by [...]

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Pelini Brothers Want Scalps

December 7, 2009

Round up Hoss and Little Joe. Send a posse into Virginia City…or Dallas. The Pelini boys mean business.
Following Saturday’s near miss at the Big Twelve Conference Championship game, Bo and Carl want answers.
After Texas kicker Hunter Lawrence drilled a game-winning field goal as time expired Saturday night in Dallas, the Pelinis felt [...]

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Midtown Neuters Animal House

October 21, 2009

It seems the lovely ladies of UNO’s Chi Omega sorority won’t be occupying the Havens-Page House at 101 North 39th Street anytime soon. At least that’s the opinion of Omaha’s City Council, which voted unanimously to deny a special permit to the sorority.
Whew! How perilously close we came to irreparably damaging the [...]

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Suttle Pardons Thunder Collins

August 30, 2009

It was a stormy Monday for Thunder Collins last week, but the former Nebraska running back can stop picking out drapes for his jail cell, because he won’t be there much longer. Omaha Mayor Jim Suttle pardoned Collins on Thursday, probably the first time an Omaha mayor has pardoned a hardened criminal since Mayor [...]

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O! Now With Grass And Weed

August 26, 2009

Mayor Jim Suttle and his budget heart surgeons and rocket scientists have entertained a number of creative cutbacks designed to balance the city’s budget. Proposals for closing Dodge Street and using mall cops instead of Omaha Police have so far gone the way of the entertainment tax debacle, so the Mayor’s budget wizards have reverted [...]

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Carter Lake Proposes Three Way Trade

August 13, 2009

Weird-Harold Investigative Exclusive!
Spurned by a prominent Elkhorn businessman’s recent offer to buy back his city from Mayor Jim Suttle and the City of Omaha, Carter Lake officials Tuesday proposed a three-way trade that could solve all three cities’ problems.
The details of the proposed three-way barter are a bit murky, so read slowly and carefully, as [...]

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Mayor Suttle On The Hunt For New Police Chief

August 3, 2009

Omaha Police Chief Eric Buske is taking his pension and moving to Texas, where he and the pension will both be safe from Mayor Jim Suttle and his roving band of budget heart surgeons. “What can I say,” said Buske, “my kids like to swim, and the pools here are, uh, closing?”
A Weird-Harold special victims [...]

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Suttle Bogeys

July 31, 2009

I am within the budget . . . We need professional people. We’re having a heart attack. I need a surgeon, not a carpenter.
–Mayor Jim “I Am Not Hal Daub” Suttle defending his decision to double the salaries of selected staff members

Boy, we know the feeling, because we’re having a panic attack, and we need [...]

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Suttle Dumps Hybrid For Armored Tank

July 3, 2009

When the going get’s rough, the tough get rougher vehicles.
Mayor Jim Suttle’s office today announced that the mayor is turning over the keys to his Dodge Durango hybrid and will begin driving an armored M1 Abrams battle tank, care of the United States government. The vehicle change comes after public outcry over the mayor’s [...]

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New Archbishop Orders Carbon Dating on Curtiss

July 1, 2009

Soon Catholics in the Archdiocese of Omaha will know the true origin of their retiring Archbishop.
Inspired by Pope Benedict XVI’s recent exhumation of the remains of the Apostle Paul, newly appointed Omaha Archbishop George J. Lucas has ordered his predecessor, Archbishop Elden Curtiss, to undergo a similar battery of carbon dating tests to determine if [...]

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