Dear Reader: This site ran for several years back at the turn of the century during which time we had the pleasure of covering his eminence Archbishop Elden Curtiss. Over the next few days, we bid him farewell with some classics from the archives of WeirdHarold.com. -JRS
Archbishop Elden Curtiss, On A Good Day
Responding to criticisms in the local paper about his decision to assign a child-pornography-viewing priest to teach religion to children in a local parish, Archbishop Elden Curtiss went on the offensive yesterday by damning the immortal souls of several Mid-Heartlanders to Hell “for all eternity and several extra days for good measure” (Archbishop Rebukes Two Who Questioned His Conduct and Michael Kelly: Catholic Church Needs An Exorcist).
The Archbishop has been keeping careful track of Catholics who write in to the Public Pulse and has instructed pastors to punish anyone who disagrees with His Most Reverend Reverence. Several elderly parishioners complained of having their knuckles rapped with rulers and a local man said that the Archbishop had put a black dot on his nose with indelible ink, so that his wife would know that he had misbehaved by criticizing his bishop.
The Archbishop told several local Catholics who had dared to question his judgment in the local paper that they should have come to him first, so that he could handle the matter privately, by quietly reassigning them to another diocese.
The Archbishop responded to charges that he was being hopelessly medieval by quoting from the Magna Carta, a Papal Bull of 1232, and Techniques For Torturing Heretics: From Torquemada to Cotton Mather. “The message of Vatican II was emphatically this,” said Curtiss: “Catholics must keep their mouths shut and do what they’re told.”
The Archbishop then called upon reporters to “stop running that photo of me. You know, the one where I look like Vincent Price at a witch burning. And remember, in the immortal words of H.L. Mencken, an archbishop is a Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.”
- See also Father Knows Worst, by Maureen Dowd.
