Dear Reader: This site ran for several years back at the turn of the century during which time we had the pleasure of covering his eminence Archbishop Elden Curtiss. Over the next few days, we bid him farewell with some classics from the archives of WeirdHarold.com, mainly because we love the cartoons. -JRS
Archbishop Elden Curtiss’ recent mass mailing urging his flock to vote for Proposition 416 (Ban Same Sex Marriage Act), and his letter to the editor of a newspaper calling itself the Omaha World-Herald (see Curtiss Calls Priest’s Exit ‘Sad Ending’ and Treat The Story Sadly), represent only part of a larger story, WeirdHarold.com has learned.
“After months of prayer and signing letters to members of the Archdiocese as ‘Your Teacher and Your Shepherd,’ His Excellency Archbishop Curtiss has determined that he is, in fact, infallible,” according to a statement issued by the Chancery today.
“Because he speaks and thinks with the perfect accuracy of God, our teacher requests the cooperation and acquiescence not only of all Catholics, but all within the Holy See of the Omaha Archdiocese on matters on which His Excellency, as guided by the hand of the Almighty, deigns to speak.”
On the heels of this pronouncement, WeirdHarold.com sought an audience with Archbishop Curtiss, who wishes to advise “faithful and infidels alike” of the following:
- “Only God knows what the intentions of the voters in Florida were, and now I do, too. But the Godless who voted, or intended to vote, for pro-abortion candidate Al Gore will be struck down on Judgment Day. Good Catholics who make a modest contribution to cover the cost of admission can watch these misguided Democratic souls suffer eternal damnation. Forever.”
- Frank Solich will be damned for “failing to hear the voice of Yahweh” guiding him to select Correll Buckhalter as the full-time first-string running back. “God has only begun to punish Solich for his arrogance in choosing his way over the Lord’s.” On a related point, “God suggests you take Colorado and the points,” Curtiss said (see also Huskers Go To The Toilet Bowl).
- Thanksgiving turkeys should be cooked to at least 180 degrees, and the stuffing should not be cooked inside the bird. According to Curtiss, “Jesus would hate to see any good Catholics get food poisoning.”
- The child of Julie Cornell and Bill Randby will be named Nielsen if it is a boy and Arbitron if it is a girl. As for the coming of the AntiChrist, “Keep an eye on that Rainbow Rowell,” Curtiss said.
- There is no explanation for the construction at 72nd and Dodge. “Even God can’t understand what the hell they’re doing, and He’s sick of not being able to make a left turn. He’s gonna smite some people if they don’t get their acts together.”
