The year was less than zero. Heck, the entire decade was a big zero. We owe more money, our houses are worth less, we don’t open the retirement account statements any more because the anemic balances are too painful to see. Goldman Sachs (Scrooge and vampire squid) has drained all of the cash.

Don't worry! Be happy!

Don't worry! Be happy!

Supposedly Omaha and Nebraska are both doing much better than other parts of the country. Next time you think about moving because there must be jobs somewhere, take a look at this graph, and start applying for a job selling soft drinks at one of Omaha’s 14 new baseball parks.

So far, the health care bill addresses every problem except the main problem, namely, costs. Instead, fee-for-service will be alive and well, with no competition from any public option or government-run health insurance program, and 30 million new customers required by law to purchase health insurance from companies interested mainly in denying claims.

Insurance Benator

Insurance Benator

That’s all thanks to Nebraska’s Repulicrat and Demopulican Senator Ben Nelson. Nelson is that rare breed of politician who once bought stays bought and votes according to the interests of those who bribed him, I mean, financed his campaign. The Benator positioned himself to maximize the sale of his vote to the highest bidder. He insisted that he would not support a government-run insurance program (because it would mean competition for the Benator’s benefactors, the insurance companies), nor would he support federal dollars being used for abortion (because it would mean he’d lose the backing of Nebraska’s pro-life voters). When he saw that he couldn’t have both, Nelson took the insurance money (natch!) and dumped the pro-lifers. Then he’s reduced to begging forgiveness during a college football game.

Leavenworth Street: The Talk of Nebraska Politics

Leavenworth Street: The Talk of Nebraska Politics

Here at WeirdHarold, we were all excited about Hal Daub’s return (because it would mean more Hal Daub cartoons!) when out of nowhere Omaha elected an engineer as mayor.

Walter

Walter

Suttle’s biggest mistake was thinking that being mayor meant that he had to do something dramatic, like lease a big SUV, close some swimming pools and golf courses, and hire some budget rocket scientists.

Jim

Jim

This caused widespread alarm and dismay, because Suttle apparently didn’t get the memo from outgoing mayor Mike Fahey about how the mayorial gig is first and foremost ceremonial. The mayor’s chief duty is to speak at civic functions and don’t say anything quotable. Then spend your leisure time in the Ozarks where nobody knows you are the mayor of a nondescript Mid-Heartland city.

See you at the Holiday!

See you at the Holiday!

The Cornhuskers are back! Whew. Pelini is the official Nebraska State pasta. Unfortunately it means even more Cornhusker coverage from the local paper, which now publicly admits that “news” means local sports coverage. If you want to read about Ben Nelson or Warren Buffett, stem cell research at the University of Nebraska, or even the latest winter storm, click over to the New York Times. If you want giant, glorious photos of Nebraska ranchers wearing corncobs on their heads at the Holiday Bowl in San Diego, your Omaha World-Herald will empty its newsroom to cover the pre-game warm-ups.

Bo's Big Adventure

Bo's Big Adventure

Next year HAS TO BE BETTER. But, wait, did we say that last year?

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Omaha’s water used to taste like chlorine, but some years ago the Metropolitan Utilities District switched to using chloramines as a disinfectant, instead of just draining water from local swimming pools closed by our mayor to solve the city’s budget crisis.

Now both the New York Times and the Environmental Working Group have given Omaha’s tap water a D for disgusting because it came in 94th out of 100 cities tested for water quality.

EWG Rankings For Cities With Best and Worst Tap Water

EWG Rankings For Cities With Best and Worst Tap Water

MUD officials responded by raising water rates by 4 percent for 2010 and by accusing the Environmental Working Group of being “a liberal group”, insinuating that the people behind these water tests are Communists and Muslim extremists seeking to undermine our right to peaceful consumption of Atrazine and nitrites.

What’s in our water? Here are testing results from the New York Times and the Environmental Working Group. As you can see, both groups are not only liberal, but also foreigners from places like New York.

MUD officials defended Omaha’s tap water by pointing out that it’s perfectly legal to serve poison water, and that they are in full compliance with federal law when they bring you radon, lead, chloroform, arsenic and Roundup run-off.

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Round up Hoss and Little Joe. Send a posse into Virginia City…or Dallas. The Pelini boys mean business.

Following Saturday’s near miss at the Big Twelve Conference Championship game, Bo and Carl want answers.

After Texas kicker Hunter Lawrence drilled a game-winning field goal as time expired Saturday night in Dallas, the Pelinis felt wronged by the officials who correctly granted Texas one more play at game’s end after the clock showed double zeros. Local news sources reported the Pelinis stormed through the Dallas streets late into the night on horseback and brandishing six shooters, ready to fire at anything that moved. Word has it they even threatened women, children and elderly Texas fans.

Nevermind that the Nebraska offense barely put up 100 total yards, or that they didn’t score a touchdown, or that college football games are 60 minutes long, not 59 minutes and 59 seconds. The Pelinis want to conquer and pillage, leaving a stench of corn-shucking dominance in their wake.

Not since self-appointed General John O’Neil’s multiple attempts to invade Canada in 1866 has a hasty fury been so unnecessary. Texas won the game fair and square, and now we have to call out Big Twelve officials for an explanation of the obvious?

Deal with it, Bo.

The officials gave Texas a Billy Martin, and the kid drilled it. Game over. Save your energy for Christmas shopping.

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NYTimes Gail Collins Tweaks The Benator

November 12, 2009

Paul Krugman of the New York Times called Ben a zombie a couple of months back, now op-ed columnist Gail Collins is after Ben as well:
Since Nelson is a Democrat from a red state, if he decided to vote against the health care plan, I would greet the news with perfect equanimity. But he is [...]

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Hitler Reacts To Iowa State Beating Nebraska

November 3, 2009

Found in the ashes!

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Hitler Reacts To Virginia Tech Beating Nebraska

November 3, 2009

The loss to Iowa State was too much for Mein Fuhrer. He took his own life after Mussolini refused to replace Bo Linguini in the 2010 season. The footage of the Fuhrer’s reaction to Nebraska’s eight turnovers was lost in the fire that consumed the Eagle’s Nest shortly after Hitler donned his foam cornhead, doused [...]

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KXVO Pumpkin Dance

November 2, 2009

As Nebraskans ponder the mediocrity of the Big Red, Omaha is now all over the Internet, gaining world-wide renown as the place where the Pumpkin Dance was made.

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Husker Dementia

October 26, 2009

Each year at this time, WeirdHarold.com sends a reporter to cover the Big Red where it lives and breathes: Memorial Stadium, Lincoln, Nebraska. Last weekend, game day was shame day. Hear that eerie silence in the stands? That’s 80,000 people wondering what else the state of Nebraska could be good at that might not involve [...]

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Midtown Neuters Animal House

October 21, 2009

It seems the lovely ladies of UNO’s Chi Omega sorority won’t be occupying the Havens-Page House at 101 North 39th Street anytime soon. At least that’s the opinion of Omaha’s City Council, which voted unanimously to deny a special permit to the sorority.
Whew! How perilously close we came to irreparably damaging the [...]

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Husker Brain Damage

October 3, 2009

Brain damage is not just for the pros. Last week, Florida’s Tim Tebow got knocked out cold with a Grade III concussion. At least the pros are well-paid for flirting with permanent brain damage. Okay, dementia explains what happens when you play football. Now we need a study to look into spectator brain damage, as in what makes 70,000 people dress up in fire engine red, drive 100 miles, and gather in a stadium to watch out-sized primates butt heads over an inflated leather pouch.

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